Scriptural Confrontation

confronting someone scripturally

When a man and a woman marry, they become one flesh.1 Therefore, when one spouse does not obey scripture, that spouse is requiring the other spouse to bear his sin.

The wife who bears the sins of her husband in silence and continually forgives him will grow significantly in spiritual strength, but at the same time she is married to a man who is relationally inadequate. She is married to a husband who does not meet her deepest needs.

Should she remain silent? No.

The husband who must bear the criticism, dissatisfaction or unforgiveness of a wife whose needs appear to be impossible to meet will grow spiritually and grow in patience, but she is forcing him to be married to half a wife.

Should he remain silent? No.

Matthew 18:15 teaches that scriptural confrontation following an offense is not only permitted but it is required.

Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.2

The Scriptural Reason for the Confrontation

Typical to scripture, the approach regarding confrontation is the opposite of that of the world because the value system is different. For instance in the scriptural way, vindication is a by-product, not a goal and retribution is non-existent for the committed Christian.3 Relationships, however, are everything because relationships are acceptance and unconditional scriptural acceptance (agape)4 is what God is.5

Scripture (the Word of God) is like an extremely bright light coming from the Creator.6 It lights up the night. It lights up everything. It shines both forward and backward in time. The place that the light comes from is the cross; the source of the light is Jesus Christ and the light itself is agape. Jesus Christ is living agape, total love.

So, scripture is often the opposite of the world because its value system is different, but it is not always in opposition to the world. Where the value system of scripture coincides with the world there is no opposition.

Confrontation is an example of where the value system of scripture and the value system of the world coincide, because both the world and scripture teach that confronting sin that is injuring a relationship is needful and at times necessary. Where scripture and world part company, however, is not whether the sin should be confronted, but how the confrontation should take place and, more importantly, its goal.

Matthew 18:15, the confrontational scripture, tells us the goal of the scriptural confrontation. It tells us that the goal of the confrontation is to win back the very person who has wronged us. Here is another instance of the scriptural way being the opposite of the world. In scripture, it is the person who has done the wrong who needs to be won back, not the other way around because the person who has committed the wrong is the weaker brother.

If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.7

So, the confrontational scripture is not for “telling someone off.” It is precisely the opposite. It is for winning them back again. The scriptural confrontation is done for the purpose of re-establishing the relationship and the person who has been wronged has the burden to do it when it is the other party who has damaged the relationship in the first place!

Scripture is the opposite of the world’s way because its values are different. Scripture places its primary value on the relationship itself, whereas the world places its primary value on vindication. Scripture recognizes that the one who committed the sin against the relationship (the relational sin) is the weaker brother, so scripture calls upon the other, the stronger, to initiate and to heal. Scripture recognizes that to demand vindication of the weaker brother will sever the relationship further. It is as if some spiritual intruder (an insult or an injury) had come into your home and grabbed your baby (the relationship). Scripture says, “Get the baby! Forget about the intruder.”

Winning the person who has injured us back again does not necessarily include correcting or working out the behavior that prompted the confrontation. The goal of the biblical confrontation is not to inform someone that he is hurtful or insulting or inconsiderate because he is already aware of that. If He is not aware of it and he is righteous, then a simple word from the injured party will be sufficient.

The goal of the biblical confrontation is to create a forum for biblical reproof. The goal is to create productive dialogue that will address the original wrong, result in forgiveness and reconcile the parties with no lingering resentments.

From a life-long relationship with Christ to a passing acquaintance, relationships are everything in scripture. God is a God of relationships. Indeed, God is so much a God of relationships He is a relationship (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). Accordingly, God is agápe8 and agápe is acceptance, total, complete and unconditional acceptance.9 Relationships are everything in scripture because they are the only way that agápe can be expressed. The expression of agápe is very important because agápe is what God is. “God is agápe.”10 So God is expressed in relationships.

Relationships that contain agápe are a manifestation of the presence of God. God may be worshiped, known, studied, followed, obeyed and prayed to, but all of those acts are things that we do to relate to Him or to honor Him. They are not manifestations of Him. What God actually is is agápe. God is manifested when agápe is expressed. So how do we enjoy the presence of God? We agápe because that is what He is. What is agápe? Agápe is total acceptance.11 That is the reason why criticism and condemnation are sin. Criticism and condemnation inhibit the presence of God because they are the opposite of agápe.

These are radical concepts.

Are you a Christian? Try it for yourself. Try living with total acceptance and complete forgiveness for a week and see what happens to your spiritual life and your relationships. That means never criticize either internally or externally. Never permit yourself to judge another or come to the conclusion that someone is a sinner or somehow “bad.” In every relationship except marriage, draw your own circle, but within that circle ensure that there is total and unconditional acceptance. In a marriage, respect God’s circle and extend total acceptance and total forgiveness to your spouse: no criticism, no condemnation no defensiveness, no grudges. Just total acceptance and total forgiveness. Drop the sword and the shield and bare your breast to the piercing words of your spouse and never respond in kind. Indeed, never respond at all. Die to yourself and see what happens.

Relationships are not only the most important thing. Relationships are the only thing. It is for this reason that scripture skips over the attribution of fault (blame) and goes directly to the real value: the relationship. Whether the relationship is our relationship with Jesus Christ which is marred by our sin or whether it is our relationship with our spouse which is marred by our selfishness, relationships, in God’s eyes, are everything.

Think about it. Where there is agápe there is a relationship because agápe in order to agápe there has to be a relationship. Jesus Christ became sin for us and died in our place on the cross. Why? Because God so “agáped” the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.12 So, the cross was an expression of love. Love is relational. What is eternal life? Eternal life is knowing God.13 Knowing God is a relationship.

What is the key to all life and godliness, virtue and righteousness? Is theology the key? Hard work? Study? Commitment? Faith? Worship? Proper doctrine? No. The key to life, Godliness, virtue and righteousness is a relationship. The key is knowing Jesus Christ, a relationship:

…His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him…for by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, in order that by them you might become partakers of the divine nature…14

Everything pertaining to life and godliness comes from knowing Him and knowing Him is a relationship. Eternal life and everything pertaining to life and godliness rests upon a relationship. Why? Because God is agápe and agápe, which is total acceptance, is a relationship.

Christians who lay down their shield and sword and take up the vulnerable mantle of agape are yielding themselves to the power of the living God. This is much like the true story of a conversation between Queen Victoria of England and a merchant. She was asking him to go to another country on her behalf. But he protested, “Madam, should I take leave of my business as you request, it will surely fail.” The Queen responded, “Sir, let me assure you. If you take of my business, I will take care of yours.”

The power is not the vessel. The power resides in the vessel.It is the power that wins. The vessel does nothing.

Scriptures that relate to the healing of relationships point first to the sins of unforgiveness and the critical spirit that ruin them, and then they point to the cure, which is agápe (acceptance in spite of the sin).

Expressing agápe either to God or to man is the way that we experience the actual presence of God. No wonder Christ commanded us to agápe one another.15† And we cannot judge, grudge and agape at the same time.

It is for this reason that the goal of a confrontation is to re-establish the relationship, not to express dissatisfaction and not for the purpose of providing an opportunity of one party to vent or to otherwise set forth his case.

It is here that scripture wipes away the last vestige of retribution and self-assertion and instead goes directly to the gold, the relationship itself. In the eyes of the world, a confrontation of this nature (a confrontation without self-assertion, demand or accusation) is an exercise in futility; it is impotent.

But the results that it produces when applied consistently are astounding.

This is the image of Christ to which we are destined.16 Christ tells us to bless those who curse us and to pray for those who despitefully use us17 and this is where it happens. This is where obedience hurts. This is where we do what He tells us when everything inside of us screams for the opposite. This is where we love the unloveable, forgive the unjust and refuse to criticize actual sin. Here is where faith is put to the acid test. This is where we do it just because He said so.

And, within the scope of the verbal/emotional conflict that is sometimes marriage, this is where we die to self.18

But do we really die? Christ tells us precisely the opposite:

For whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake shall find it.19

The life that we find in Christ is not simply being alive in this world. The life that we find is His life;20 and His life is lived and experienced in the here and now.21 It is this life that brings irresistible agápe into the heart, and it is agápe alone that can win the family back again. It is God who restores the love that the errant spouse has relinquished and God does it through Himself, through agápe expressed by us.

Correcting Bad Behavior

The goal is to re-establish the relationship first, before the behavior is corrected. Why? Because the behavior cannot be sincerely corrected unless the relationship is re-established. Words, threats and promises cannot truly correct behavior. Only desire can correct behavior and it is the relationship that creates the desire, because relationship is valued. Where there is no relationship, there is no value. It is for this reason that the goal is to re-establish the relationship first and then, if the relationship itself does not correct the behavior, the door is open to discussion because the relationship has been healed.

Therefore, the aggrieved party should make a decision in advance not to retaliate, not to criticize and to say nothing that the other party will not sincerely hear. This may not yield a significant result immediately. But it will begin to re-open the door for a productive discussion at a later time.

If only one party yields to scriptural commands, look for a progressive openness in the other party and look for the beginnings of the return of love in the party who yields. If both parties yield, then the result will be evident in the stark difference between this confrontation and previous, non-scriptural, confrontations. True yielding on the part of both will eventually result in the restoration of the love that was lost. And when love has been restored it covers the sin that caused it to depart.22

Fidelity

Where there is a continuing marital conflict, certain things must be addressed before any effective reconciliation can occur. The very first thing to address in any confrontation is fidelity. If fidelity is an issue then fidelity will have to be resolved first, because fidelity is an absolute requirement for trust and trust is essential to the oneness (the relationship) described in scripture.23 Infidelity is a bar to sincere reconciliation.

Fidelity is commanded in numerous scriptures, the most prevalent of which is the sixth commandment, “Do not commit adultery.”24

The sin of adultery is classically described as sexual intercourse with someone other than one’s spouse. However, adultery is not limited to physical illicit sex. For instance, Christ taught that to look upon a woman and lust after her is to commit adultery in one’s heart25 and the admonition against spiritual adultery is prevalent throughout scripture.26

To adulterate means to introduce a foreign substance into something that was pure before the adulteration occurred. When the adultery is in the form of illicit sex, the family itself can become physically adulterated with the seed of a third party or, if the adulterer is the husband, the family’s seed may be used to impregnate another family with a foreign seed or start a new one without a father.

But adulteration can occur without sex. Indeed, women are can be more offended by an improper relationship between their husband and another woman than actual physical adultery. Perhaps many have this view because they recognize that it is the relationship that is the key. Thus, the marital relationship may be adulterated by improper extramarital non-sexual relationships, such as flirting.

And the clear water of agape can be adulterated by words. Insults and threats of divorce are adulterations and breaches of fidelity.

First Timothy 3:12 refers to deacons as being men who are beyond reproach:

Let deacons be husbands of only one wife…

The full meaning of this passage is lost in the English translation. The original Greek for “husbands of one wife”27 is “one woman man.” Thus, the meaning embraces not only the legal status of being married to one woman, but it also includes the concept of a husband who does not extend or consent to any communication with the opposite sex that carries questionable implications.

Problems may arise in this regard when the two spouses hold different opinions as to what flirting is or when they differ on what they consider to be improper.

One spouse may hold a liberal view and the other spouse may hold a conservative view. But whether one is right and the other is wrong is irrelevant to the relationship because the issue to the relationship is trust, not right or wrong. There is no absolute standard for relating to other women or other men. The goal is to establish trust in the heart of one’s spouse, and trust will not be established by operating within the scope of one’s own opinion of what is proper without regard to the opinion of one’s spouse.

Fortunately, the solution is simple. The solution is a mutual relinquishment of rights.

The husband agrees that all of his relationships with the opposite sex will remain within the parameters established by his wife. That is, if she would not approve, then he does not do it. And the wife agrees that all of her relationships with the opposite sex will remain within the parameters established by her husband. If he would not approve, then she does not do it. This common understanding and trust must be present before any meaningful reconciliation can occur and must be the subject of a separate discussion which, if necessary, is accompanied by apologies, repentance, forgiveness and re-commitment.

No boundary of fidelity established by the other spouse should ever be viewed as unreasonable because the goal of the boundary is not to conform to a external standard of reasonableness. The goal is to establish trust and whatever has to be done to establish trust must be done, and done with sincerity and commitment. There is no unreasonable boundary when one deals with fidelity and the relationship is everything.

Expressions of Love and Respect to the Wife

Scripture teaches that it is the husband’s duty to love his wife.28 The reason for this is that God has created woman to be loved and to need love. So scripture teaches husbands to love their wives. This is not simply a rule of behavior; it is a reality.

Love is like air to women. Love must be expressed and expressed constantly. With it she becomes comfortable. Some husbands believe that the wife should make herself comfortable without expressions of love because expressions of love can be burdensome and because the husband does not feel or understand the same need for love. Ironically, the best way, if not the only way, for a husband to engender comfort and respect in his wife is to continually express love to her.

The motivation for this expression of love may begin as a duty but it becomes a pleasure because it is an expression of love and mutual love is always a pleasure. The more the husband expresses love, the more he actually loves and the more he actually loves the more he expresses love… It is a spiral going upward.

Since the wife was created differently from the husband, her needs are different. The effect of what the husband says or does will be tempered by her focus and her needs. Her biblical orientation is dependence and love,29† and she receives what he says in the context of that orientation. If the husband fails to voluntarily express love continually, she understands him to say that his love is diminishing. If she is a biblical keeper of the home,30 this understanding can be quite threatening to her because her husband is (or is supposed to be) the structural and financial support of the family.31

His failure to continually express love can undermine her self-confidence and it can effect how she relates to him. It skews what she understands him to be communicating. It prevents her from being fully balanced and causes her to be unhappy. And when she is unhappy, everyone is unhappy because she is the keeper of the home and everything in the home revolves around her.

Many husbands view this love-characteristic of wives to be unreasonable and overly burdensome especially in view of his very challenging obligation to support his family. The tyranny of daily fatigue can strip the idea of romance from his thoughts as well as hers. But expressions of love engender love in both the speaker and the hearer, and love is life.32† God is love and God is spiritual (eternal) life.33

It is astounding how many men can blame their wives when they have simply failed to meet her most basic need.

Expressions of Respect and Love to the Husband

Scripture teaches that it is the wife’s duty to show respect to her husband.34 The reason for this is because God has created men to require respect. And scripture teaches that we should love one another.35 So scripture teaches that wives should respect and love their husbands, but for husbands the emphasis is on respect.

Respect is like air to men. With it they can be comfortable. They can respect themselves and respect others. Respect must be expressed by a wife with appreciation directly to the husband and the absence of complaining and dissatisfaction. Some wives believe that they can compel a husband to love them by complaining, but the best way to release a husband’s love to his wife is to show him respect and the best way to destroy it is continual expressions of dissatisfaction.

The more respect the wife shows to the husband, the more comfortable the husband becomes. The more comfortable the husband becomes, the easier it is for him to show love to his wife. The more love he shows to his wife, the more she will respect him and the more she respects him the more love he feels. It is a spiral going upward and eventually the sins that caused the problems are forgotten because love covers a multitude of sins.36

Since her husband was created differently from her, his needs are different. And the effect of what she says or does will be tempered by his focus and his needs. His orientation is independence and respect, and he receives what she says in the context of that orientation. If the wife fails to show respect, he becomes threatened and detached because his own self-respect rests largely upon the respect that his wife gives to him. He can deal with a wife who does not show him respect, but he cannot love her. Complaints and expressions of dissatisfaction are assaults upon what God has made him to be because God has stamped into the biblical husband the need to provide for his family and that means to make his wife content. Every expression of discontent is an assault upon what God has made him to be. Every complaint is a statement that says, “You failed.” Men can withstand only a certain number of these statements.

There was once a husband who was very shy and physically weak. He had been married a biblical wife for years. She was a biblical wife because she had learned Christ’s commands and she kept them.37 She was careful to show respect to her husband and never criticized him. One day she had trouble opening a jar and asked him for help. He struggled with it but he finally got it open, and she commented on his strength. The next night she did it again. And she did it again the next night and each time she commented on his strength. The following Saturday afternoon she heard an unusual clanging sound in the garage. She opened the door and saw something that she had never seen before. It was her husband weightlifting. Her encouragement had inspired him. This power to inspire through respect is perhaps the least understood “girl power” that women possess, but it is by far the most effective.

Did his experience with the jars make him a new man? No. She had made him a new man. God had given her the opportunity to participate in the creation of a new and finer man. She had walked with God. Her husband had always been painfully aware of his physical weakness and he had always had the time and the wherewithal to fix it, but never did. All he needed was her inspiration and appreciation.

Men are fully aware of the inspiration given by a wife or a girlfriend. It is no theory; it is reality and men feel it. It is immensely strengthening and empowering. History and literature often recount it. We have all seen it at one time or another, but men and women see it differently. Women see it as cute or sympathetic or loving. But men see it as empowering. It is a wife’s picture taped on the control panel of a World War II bomber or the blurred photograph of a freckle faced kid-of-a-girl pinned to the wall in a dorm room next to the bed of some shy geeky freshman who is destined to turn the world around. Ladies, you have no idea of the power you hold. Some of you use it like a five year old with a loaded pistol. And some men treat expressions of love on par with feeding the dog. Let us all open our eyes to Truth. A lifetime of contentment is in the balance-and that is to say nothing of the family that will live or die.

The Confrontation Generally

Scripture avoids any specific direction regarding what words to use in a confrontation.38 But it does teach that the purpose of the confrontation is to win back the brother who has committed the offense39 and thereby re-establish the relationship. Christ has commanded us to love (agápe) one another, not to blame one another.40 Therefore the goal is to love the person who did the injury and to be loved by that person. One does not create love by criticism and condemnation.

The words that we choose for this confrontation must be wholly non-accusatory and also they must not be correctional, because correctional words are critical words to an unwilling ear. They must not be framed so as to inform the other party as to how he should correct his behavior unless, of course, he is genuinely open to discuss it, in which case no confrontation is necessary.

One very effective non-confrontational way to approach the discussion is to frame the initial approach as a request for help. For instance, one may confront by saying “Can you help me understand what you meant when you said ___” or “I understand how you feel when you said ____ but what prompted you to say it?”

Another non-confrontational approach may be “I get the feeling that ___ “ or simply “Can we make this right?” Or “What do you think about ___?” or “It made me feel hurt when you said ___. Can you help me overcome these feelings. Did you really mean to say that?” The goal is to ensure that the other party is not offended or threatened so that a productive, accepting discussion can follow rather than an argument. We are dealing with feelings and emotions here, not words.

Remember the goal. Non-accusatory words and soft answers41 disarm the defensive spouse and create a common ground for mutually beneficial discussion. The goal is to win back the errant brother or sister and re-establish the relationship. An excellent relationship is love in its biblical context. Agápe is the power behind all of the loves.

On the other hand, the worldly, conventional approach will create an argument. For instance, a “You are insulting me again” or a “Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself” or a “Can’t you be nice??” is an accusation and will often be met with a counter accusation and the walls go up. So one must ask one’s self “Do I want to fight or do I want to reconcile?” God has given to us all things necessary for life and godliness42 and made us ministers of reconciliation.43† The scriptural goal is reconciliation.

Secular psychology takes the biblical approach to confrontation because experience has shown that criticism is treated as a threat. It causes people to become defensive. When only acceptance comes from the counselor, the walls come down. The same is true when the one who is seeking reconciliation is a spouse. Acceptance dissolves walls. Soft, non-condemnatory statements defuse the angry response.44 The same is true for correctional “suggestions” when the erring party is not ready to be corrected.

It is the Holy Spirit who has been given the task of convicting of sin, not us.45 When we try it, we just get in the way. God does not permit us to be the accuser because we are just as guilty and as fallible as the one whom we accuse.46† The only difference is that our sin may not be the same.

When we see the confrontation from the opposite direction, we see that scripture is teaching us that when someone injures another he injures himself. It is for this reason that scripture teaches that the whole purpose is to win him back. He is the spiritually weaker party and he is the object of conviction by the Holy Spirit. It may be very difficult to win him back because we must break through the defensive barrier that he has constructed. He is afraid to face what he has done because it is wrong, possibly very wrong. When we accuse or criticize, we take his wrong and point it at him like a pistol and wonder why he defends himself.

Several, incremental approaches may be necessary with each one slowly widening the space for productive discussion, and never ending with either an insult or a correction. When the relationship has been re-established the errant spouse will correct himself because he will want to.

So, scripture takes an approach that is essentially the opposite of the world. It tells us to heal our errant brother by a confrontation that is really no confrontation at all. It teaches us to heal him by forgiveness, to convict him by blessing and grace, and to win the point by losing. Quite radical to be sure, but this is nothing new.

How wonderful is the wisdom of God! That the seed of the woman, born of a lowly virgin, brought forth in a stable, spending His days in affliction, misery, and poverty, without any pomp and splendor, passing some time in a carpenter’s shop, with carpenter’s tools, and afterwards exposed to a horrible and disgraceful death, should by this way pull down the gates of hell, subvert the kingdom of the devil, and be the hammer to break in pieces that power which he [Satan] had so long exercised over the world!47

God’s values are different. His goal is love and it is through love and love alone that we win. The confrontational scripture is there in order make sure that he who has injured is aware of all issues, to provide him an opportunity to voluntarily make it right and to win him back again. It works only to the extent that each party yields to scripture.

The reason why the scriptural way works is because in the scriptural confrontation, the sinning brother is not being threatened by the opposing party’s criticisms, complaints or condemnations. Instead, he is being convicted by the Holy Spirit.48 As long as the offended party does not interpose himself and assume the role of the Holy Spirit by complaints and corrections, the only way that the offending party can escape conviction is to repent, apologize and cease to sin.

The trick is to never push the other party into a defensive stance, but open the door to a resolution. We must place the other party in the position where he understands that he has nothing to fear. This can be accomplished only by being non-critical and non-accusatory. Hence, Jesus teaches us never to criticize or condemn.49

It may well take time for the injured party to forgive and come to the place where a truly scriptural confrontation can occur. But obedience to His word results in His presence and results in His strength to forgive and to love. God provides the power to forgive. And if we are not willing to forgive, He requires only that we are willing to be made willing and then He makes us to be willing. God does it; not us. He has to because we can’t. We can’t create love. Only God can do that. Where a marriage is faltering under the weight of a hundreds unresolved offenses only God can heal it and He heals it with love.

Imagine

Imagine for a moment that your spouse sincerely yields to scripture, and does exactly what scripture says to do.

If that were the case, then you would never be condemned; you would never be criticized unless you wanted to be (which is not criticism but constructive advice); you would never hear old wrongs reiterated; you would be fully accepted and appreciated for who you are and forgiveness would come as naturally and peacefully as spring rain-no pain, no pay-back, no resentment, just a free gift. There would be no reminders, no rejection and no regrets. You would be loved with an unconditional love that never ends. You would be fully accepted for who you really are and you would know that you could rely on your mate always.

Now imagine that both parties did that. Imagine that every problem was addressed without retribution, without anger, without justification, without self-defense, without any offense and in an environment of complete forgiveness, unconditional acceptance and in a sincere mutually constructive discussion for the sole purpose of resolution for the betterment of the marriage and the family with each party treating the other as better than himself.50 Imagine that each party complied with the requests of the other party not because they were reasonable and necessary but because they came from her or from him and compliance was not a duty but an opportunity, each one an opportunity to express love. That is a scriptural Christian marriage and it is possible. It is inevitable with complete yielding to His Word of God.

In that environment, agápe flourishes and merges with all of the loves. Agápe is endless love and it is free for the asking and the yielding-yielding not just for the result that comes from the yielding, but yielding because it is yielding to Him. When this occurs we experience His presence and peace. His love becomes like an overflowing river. It is everywhere.

Thy word is very pure; therefore thy servant loveth it.51

It is for this reason that a decision not to take offense and instead to forgive from the heart is not “sweeping the dust under the rug.” It is precisely the opposite; it is not touching the dust. It is backing away from assuming the role of the Holy Spirit and permitting the sin to remain in the open so that the only One who is truly capable of dealing with it can freely do so.

It is the Holy Spirit who deals with the attributions of fault and the tangled history of all the injuries and vindications. He takes them all, all of the vindications, all of the failures and all of the injuries, all the violated rights and all of the just retributions, all the anger and all the hatred, and all the conditions and rejections and rolls them up into a ball of pain and words and pitches it to the cross. At the cross, it encounters the blood of Jesus Christ and melts into a sea of forgiveness.

Love is best.