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ENDLESS LOVE

Chapter 2 - The Fourth Love

The Fourth Love

the english word for love is inadequate because there are four of them

Before we consider the four loves, we should clarify that love is really only one thing. It is affection. It may be no more than a passing acquaintanceship or several words with a stranger or a life-time love affair, but in every instance it is affection pure and simple. It differs only in nature and degree.

However, it love many effects. For instance, love engenders service but it is not service; love inspires consideration, but it is not consideration; it compels helping but love is not help. Love accepts others unconditionally and it is expressed by acceptance, but love not acceptance. Love is affection pure and simple and affection is the inspiration and the reason behind each of love’s expressions.

The presence of love makes an immense difference in life because when we love, we show things like kindness, acceptance and self-sacrifice and other virtues that are the effects of love because we want to, not because we have to. Love is the message of the New Testament. There is no duty in love; only expression. God gives us love so we can give it away.

When love comes to us, it changes us from the inside because it changes what we want to do. What a massive difference that makes! That which would be a duty becomes a gift in the presence of love. That which would otherwise be an obligatory courtesy becomes a sincere expression of affection and that which would have been a social transaction becomes a mutual expression of grace and acceptance.

The love of God is like a song that transfixes an audience with the sheer beauty of its sound. To hear the song is wonderful. But to be the singer who creates the song is an experience to be desired beyond all measure. The Creator is the singer, and He sings the song of songs. He is love1 and He sings to us of Himself. And in doing so He empowers us to sing His song to others. So love is like a song. It is created to be sung.

On the outside, love may not appear to make much of a difference because we may do the same things just because we are supposed to. For instance, we may be duty-bound to a family or a spouse and we may continue to fulfill that duty whether we love or not. But when we love, the duty becomes a desire; we do it because we want to. Love makes life a pleasure.

The trouble is that sometimes we just don’t love. Sometimes love leaves and no matter how hard we try, we can’t get it back again. That is because we are looking in all the wrong places, as this book explains. But first, we must understand that there are four loves and how they work together.

The Four Loves

There are four different loves in biblical Greek (the language of the Bible) and each one is different. There is a different word for each one. So, when the English reader reads “love” in an English Bible, he is not seeing the true meaning of love. He is seeing all four of the Greek words for love lumped together into the one English word.

Lumping them all together causes significant misunderstandings because the fourth love is vastly different from the other three.

The first of the four loves is the love of family. We experience the love of family before we experience any other love. The Greek word for the love of family is στοργή, or “storgé” (“store gay”). Storgé is the natural love of parents for children and children for parents and siblings and other family members. It is similar to friendship, but not the same.2

The second love is the love of friends. The Greek word for the love of friends is φιλία, or “philéa.” This is the word from which we derive “Philadelphia,” which is translated the “City of Brotherly Love.” Philéa is the love between friends.3

The third love is the love of lovers. This Greek word for this love is έρως or “eros.” Eros is romantic love. Eros may or may not be expressed by physical intimacy. It is expressed most often with touch. The touch of a lover may have the same physical characteristics of the touch of a mother or a friend, but the effect is vastly different. Eros is the “chemistry” between lovers.4

These three loves are human loves and God gives all three of them to everyone; this is called “common grace” because they are given to everyone. These three loves are given to everyone because everyone is made in the image of God and God is love. These three loves are beautiful, but they are human and they are fallible.

Not how each of these three human loves is defined by its object. Each one is a different type of relationship defined by the one who is loved and the type of affection that results.

But the fourth love is different. The fourth love is άγάπη or “agápe” (“ah-gop´-ay”). Agápe is not defined by the one who is loved. And agápe is not limited to any particular relationship or particular person; it can apply to any person and any relationship at any time. Ape is love, period.

And ape is supernatural. We know that agápe is supernatural because scripture tells us plainly that God is supernatural5 and scripture tells us that God is agápe:

God is Love [agápe]6

Therefore, ape is supernatural because God is supernatural and ape is what God is.

Agápe comes from God:

αγάππη [agápe] έκ [from, from out of] του θεου [God] εστιν [is]7

There are other ways to translate this same verse but they all say the same thing:

love [agápe] is from God (KJV)

love [agápe] comes from God (NIV)

The Definition of Ape

Scripture gives us a very clear and comprehensive definition of ape by telling us how ape is expressed. The Bible dedicates an entire chapter to explaining what ape is; it tells us all of the characteristics of the affection that is called ape. That chapter is First Corinthians 13. Every time that First Corinthians 13 says “love” in English, it is translating the Greek word “agápe.”8 There is no other word for love in First Corinthians 13 except for agápe. So all of First Corinthians 13 is describing a supernatural love.

[Agápe] is patient, agápe keeps no record of wrongsit does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong sufferedbears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, agápe never fails.9

For most people it is practically impossible to never take a wrong suffered into account because that would mean never taking offense. The reason why it is so out of reach is because agápe does not come from man; it comes from God. It is supernatural. It is God’s love, not man’s.

There are no conditions attached to agápe. It is not a love “because” of something and it is not a love “if” anything. It is love “period.” Agápe keeps no records of wrongs and it bears all things. It is therefore an unconditional love. It is, by definition, total acceptance no matter what. Agápe loves in spite of all sin and all fault. To agápe someone means to remove all conditions attached to acceptance. It means to love and accept that person in spite of anything and everything. Agápe loves the unlovable. But, as mentioned above, agápe is supernatural.

Agápe is the love that took Jesus Christ to the cross10 to die for the ungodly.11 So, to agápe someone means to accept that person just as Christ accepted us. Christ died for the sins of the entire world,12 and in doing so He died for the very Roman soldiers who killed him.13 Jesus Christ was loving them at the same time that they were crucifying him.14 That is supernatural love indeed. And He commands us to accept and to love (agápe) others with that same love and acceptance.15

Circles

Although scripture teaches that we are to “agápe one another”16 and to agápe our enemies,17 that does not mean that we must be close friends with everyone. All it means is that we must accept everyone to the extent of whatever relationship exists-and we can determine the extent of that relationship. In short, agápe means that we must not judge anyone, condemn anyone or reject anyone, but it does not mean that we must invite him to dinner. It does mean, however, that we should buy him a meal if he is hungry.

To agápe the person who sins is not an assent to his sin. To agápe someone is to unconditionally accept the person in spite of his sin. It is a decision not to condemn the person himself but it is not an acknowledgment that sin is not really sin. It is accepting the person within the boundaries of whatever relationship we have established.

Each person sets his own boundary to a relationship. If the relationship is a friendship, one friend may set his or her boundary close and narrow. But the other friend may set the boundary broad and wide. It is as if each one draws a circle that defines the limits of the friendship for that person. One friend may draw the circle small and the other large.

The friendship is limited by the smaller circle because each friend must respect the boundary established by the other and take no offense.18And each friend should accept this. Healthy friendships are always defined by the lowest common denominator, which is the smaller circle. But within that circle-whatever its boundary may be-agápe must freely flow.19 The same is true for the love of family and the love of lovers. The lowest common denominator must always govern. Scripture does not require us to be bound by the relational boundaries set by others. But, of course, each friend can change his or her circle at any time; and the friendship matures, changes.

So we draw circles to define relationships. But the circle of marriage is different. And that is one reason why marriage, rather than open concubinage (living together) is so very important.

The Circle of Marriage

The scriptural marriage is different because in the scriptural marriage the parties do not draw their own circles. In a scriptural marriage, there is only one circle and scripture draws it. The scriptural marriage circle includes everything, good and bad. It is so large that the husband and the wife become one person and the circles of both are exactly the same and they cannot be altered.

But from the beginning, God made them male and female. For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall become one flesh; consequently they are no longer two, but one flesh.20

We are to agápe our spouse and accept him or her unconditionally no matter what. That is the command of scripture. It means that we accept our spouse in spite of all sin, all insults and all offenses because this is what agápe is. We accept the person unconditionally, but that does not mean that we assent to or accept his or her sin. We accept our spouse in spite of sin.

What about adultery? Scripture teaches that adultery is grounds for a scriptural divorce. In the meantime, there is nothing in scripture that would prevent a spouse from protecting himself or herself from harm. Love and acceptance does not require exposure to harm. Precisely the opposite. Where there is love and acceptance, there should be no harm.

1. First John 4:8 “God is love.”

2. Although this word is not used in scripture, it is included in the Greek language used in Biblical times.

3. See A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament, by Bauer, Arndt and Gingrich (Second Ed. 1958, Univ. Of Chicago Press), s.v. φιλία, “friendship”

4. See A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament, by Bauer, Arndt and Gingrich (Second Ed. 1958, Univ. Of Chicago Press), s.v. έρως, “passionate love.”

5. John 4:24 “God is spirit and those who worship Him must worship Him in spirit and truth.”

6. First John 4:8. Scripture teaches that God is agápe; it does not teach that agápe is God.

7. First John 4:7

8. Agápe is translated “charity” in the King James Version and love in other English versions, but each instance of “charity” or “love” in First Corinthians 13 is a translation of agápe.

9. First Corinthians 13:4-8

10. John 3:16 “For God so loved [agápe] the world that He gave his only gotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

11. Romans 5:6 “Christ died for the ungodly.” In addition to being love (agápe), God is also just (Isaiah 61:8, Psalm 88:4; Luke 18:7) and will therefore punish sin with its due penalty, which is death (Romans 6:23 “The wages of sin is death but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord”). Those who trust in Christ are in Christ spiritually (Galatians 3:26-28; First Peter 5:14; Philippians 1:1; John 14:20) and His death was effectively theirs. We have been united with Him in the likeness of His death and of His resurrection (Romans 6:5; also see BAG s.v. όμοίϖμα “in the same death”). The penalty for sin is death and Christ paid that penalty for us. Therefore no one who is in Christ will have to pay that penalty. No one who is in Christ will be condemned for sin (Romans 8:1).

12. First John 2:2 “ He Himself is the propitiation for our sins; and not for ours only, but also for those of the whole world.”

13. There is theological debate as to whether Christ’s death paid for the sins of everyone or just those who trust in Him.

14. Luke 23:33,34 “they crucified Him there, along with the criminals, one on His right and the other on His left. Then Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.’”

15. John 13:34 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.”

16. John 13:34 “A new commandment I [Jesus] give to you, that you [agápe] one another, even as I have [agáped] you, that you also [agápe] one another.”

17. Matthew 5:44 “But I [Jesus] say to you, agápe your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

18. First Corinthians 13:6, 7: Love “does not take into account a wong suffered;” love “bears all things”

19. First John 4:7 “Beloved, let us [agápe] one another.”

20. Mark 10:6-8