Loves Merge

loves merge and enhance one another

Loves merge. They co-exist.

We may love a cousin or a sibling with both the love of family and the love of a friend. When that occurs, the structure of the familial bond co-exists with easy freedom of friendship and the bond is much stronger. The family members become bonded by two loves rather than one and the relationship takes on both the flexibility of friendship and the stability of family as well.

The same is true with romantic eros. Eros is strong but it is limited to lovers’ chemistry and romance. But every lover knows that more is required. To be lasting and fulfilling, eros needs more than chemistry. Eros needs to be merged with philea (the love of friends). When lovers become friends, the romantic aspect of their relationship acquires an overlay of easy freedom. The two loves merge and powerful eros acquires yet another facet. One does not separate the two. They merge. Certainly, one love may be emphasized at times, but both are always present. They are no longer two loves but one love with the benefits and the strength of both.

When the lovers eventually marry, they have all three. They are friends, family and lovers all at once and each one loves the other with all three loves. They love with the whimsy of a carefree friendship, with the structure of a permanent familial bond and with the power of eros. Like metals melting together, eros lends its fire to the other two and they merge into a easy warmth.

The same is true for agápe.

Agápe merges just like the other three, but rather than instilling the easy freedom of friendship or providing the structure of a family, it imparts the supernatural power unconditional acceptance.

But specifically, what happens? Much like the other three loves, agápe is outside of ourselves, but unlike the other three, there is neither flickering nor failing with agápe. Agápe is constant. It bears all things and it never fails.1 It never takes offense. It bears all of the imperfections of a spouse and does not bow its head when confronted with disappointment. Agápe is unconditional and it merges with human loves. So, to the extent that agápe is present the human loves are unconditional as well.

It is the presence of this love that is the key to true happiness. And the presence of this love brings supernatural strength to a marriage. Of course! There is no mystery here. It is an unconditional acceptance that never takes offense and receives its strength from outside of ourselves. When both parties enjoy that strength, the relationship is unassailable. Each sings to each all the time. Disharmony cannot exist and love never dies.

Agápe empowers the other loves with the virtues of First Corinthians 13. Real agápe cuts through everything. Nothing stops it. That is the reason why Christ instructs us to agápe one another.

A new commandment I give to you, that you [agápe] one another, even as I have [agáped] you, that you also [agápe] one another. 2†

Agápe is like a stem cell. It grows into whatever love to which it finds itself attached. When agápe is paired with the love of friends, it transforms philea into a bond of friendship where there is no criticism, no resentment, no judgment, no impediment to acceptance; it provides an environment where there is fidelity and discretion, wisdom and sound advice. This was the love that Christ was speaking of when He told His disciples to agápe one another.

When agápe is paired with the love of family, it creates a foundation of certainty where history, baggage, politics and religion do not separate.

And when agápe pairs with the love of lovers it creates a love that is both physical and spiritual at the same time. Fickle eros becomes an oak in the presence of agápe. It is transformed into a human love that never fails, a love that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”3

The merging of agápe into a marriage is everything because agápe imparts supernatural strength to the other three loves. And it is love, not method, that forms the basis for a strong scriptural marriage.

The couples who have agápe love with four loves all at once. They live in continual peace and in love’s unending warmth. Their marriage does not fail. Agápe is the secret to an excellent marriage because when God with His agápe is present in a relationship, no one wants to sin. No one wants to insult or offend. No one wants to engage in any inappropriate anything and even if it happens, the other spouse will not take offense. God’s presence changes what we want to do, He changes what we are and He changes what we love. He give us a song, a song about helping, about fidelity, about support, about caring and a song about sacrifice. It is a song called freedom because unconditional acceptance bestows the immense freedom to the other spouse by giving him or her the certainty of knowing that he or she will always be accepted, always loved no matter what. It is the love and acceptance of the person, not the body.

Agápe merged with human love is the love that every husband wants from his wife and it is the love that every wife wants from her husband. It is love that accepts unconditionally. It is love that enables a family to endure the relentless assaults of life-and still be there at the end of the day when the husband and the wife can finally close the bedroom door against the rest of the world. It can be obtained in only one place: the presence of the Creator.

Like the miracle of the water changed into wine,4 human love becomes transformed in the presence agápe because the presence of agápe is the presence of Christ.5 Agápe is a reservoir of love that is never exhausted.6 Agápe is endless. Agápe is endless love and it is a backbone of iron to all of the other loves.

Agápe is a shield against failed love, flickering intimacy and silent grudges because it takes no offense; it loves even when it has been wronged.7 The greatest virtues of the other loves are conveyed and strengthened by agápe. Consideration and respect, kindness, patience, humility, enduring all things, and trust are all included in First Corinthians 13 and imparted with agápe.8 Getting and keeping agápe is everything to a marriage.

But why does agápe disappear? And where does eros go? Why does love have to end?

Only one thing can make love end and chase away agápe and that one thing is sin. Sin kills spiritual life, inhibits the knowledge of God (agápe) and sin kills love. The Bible is God’s repeated silent scream: “Sin kills. Why won’t you listen!”

But what sin? What of the marriage where there is no overt sin. No adultery, no drunkenness, no abuse. Where did love go?

This book is about that marriage.

What of the marriage where the overt sin has ended and the parties are left with the injuries?

This book is about that marriage.

What of the marriage that has passed the tipping point; the love is long gone and the parties have descended on to the level of amiable malice and divorce is imminent.

This book is about that marriage.

What of the relationship with an inexplicable loss of love.

This book is about that relationship.