The Twin Sins

sins against love

There are sins against a person or property and there are sins against relationships. Sins committed against relationships are relational sins. Other sins may injure the person physically or they may divest the person of goods or assets, but unless they are committed by a friend, they do not harm relationships.

Relational sins are extremely important because relationships are everything. We were created to relate. The greatest pleasures in life are in relationships. True intimacy is an inherent desire of every human and true love is the foundation for that relationship.

Love in one form or another is what a relationship is. It may be as light as a professional friendship centered around nothing but work. Or it may be as deep as love affair that somehow creates an inner peace and completion never experienced before.

There are, of course, many different relational sins because any sin that damages a relationship is a relational sin. A sin may damage the relationship tangentially like an embarrassing act that is not directed against anyone in particular. Or a relational sin may damage a relationship directly, such as an overt insult.

Overt relational sins such as insults or infidelity are obvious assaults on love. Dealing with overt sins of this nature may not be easy, but it is very clearly defined. With overt relational sins, there is never any question about what has occurred and there is no denying the damage that they do. Overt relational sins are obvious and it is imminently is clear that the sin has to stop and the consequences healed or the relationship will be irretrievably damaged. Overt relational sins are clear-cut.

This book is not directed toward overt relational sins, although the concepts incorporated into this book will be instrumental in healing the after-effects of overt relational sin.

This book focuses on two particular relational sins. These sins are present in almost every marriage. They are silent sins and they are entrenched; and they are ultimately more destructive than many overt sins because they are justified. They are the sins of criticism and unforgiveness. Criticism and unforgiveness are sins against love.

Criticism and unforgiveness are sins against love because love, at its core, is acceptance and these sins are, at their core, rejections. Each critical conclusion is a piece of unspoken rejection. Each unforgiven wrong is a wedge that separates.

These are sins against love because they are sins against acceptance and acceptance is a part of what love is. We know that acceptance is major part of love because scripture tells us in First Corinthians 13 that love is not only acceptance, but it is unconditional acceptance.

Since God is love1 and we are made in His image,2 we were created to abide in love.3 He is not pleased when we commit sins against love; and, as we will see, when those who know Him commit these sins, He makes His displeasure abundantly clear by withdrawing His presence.

Criticism and unforgiveness are the most insidious of all relational sins because the people who commit them believe that they are justified.

These sins appear to be justified because no one criticizes or holds a grudge without a reason. And that reason is generally that someone else has offended us. Criticism is a natural response to the hurtful act of someone else. It is normal to react, to defend or to injure back in response to an injury. And it is natural to “remember” what someone did and hold it against him. This is just the way we are. When we are injured we react in kind against the person who has injured us and we feel justified in doing so.

But we are not justified. Scripture teaches precisely the opposite. We are commanded not to take retribution.4 We are commanded not to take offense5 and we are commanded never to embrace the root of bitterness.6 We are to turn the other cheek.7 The true beneficiary of forgiveness is not the person who inflicted the injury but the one who has been injured.

We don’t just “become” who we are like a plant in a garden. We choose who we will be. As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.8 In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus warns us not to have an “evil eye.” The “evil eye” is an eye that sees evil, an eye that judges and criticizes. In order to have such an eye we must intentionally create it. So if we have an evil eye, we have made it ourselves.

“If therefore the light that is in you be darkness, how great is that darkness!”9

The Sin of Unforgiveness

Jesus commands us to forgive without reservation and to forgive from the heart. He commands us to forgive when it hurts, forgive when we are in the right and forgive when forgiveness feels so very wrong. He tells us to forgive when we cannot forgive and then forgive again. Forgive just because he told us to forgive. Never cease to forgive. Live in an ocean of forgiveness. Forgiveness is freedom.10 Forgiveness is the door to the presence of Christ11 and the presence of Christ is the secret to everything that pertains to Life and godliness.12 Forgiveness and the presence of Christ that results from it is the key to true contentment, happiness and joy.

Perhaps one of the greatest lessons in forgiveness came after World War II. There was a Christian woman in Holland who aided Jews to escape the holocaust. Her name was Corrie Ten Boom. She was eventually caught by the Nazi invaders and sent to a concentration camp with her sister. She survived but her sister died. After the war she began a ministry to those who had also survived the camps. Near the end of her ministry and her life, she summed up what she had learned over the years as she ministered to the victims of the holocaust. This is what she said:

Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that.13

She had discovered in real life what scripture says in the Bible. Unforgiveness is spiritual poison. Its only antidote is forgiveness. It is that simple.

Forgiveness is absolutely essential to the presence of Christ because it was forgiveness-of us, the cross-that brought Him to mankind in the first place. God has zero patience with those who enjoy the eternal forgiveness purchased by the death of Christ on the cross, but then refuse to extend their own comparatively minimal forgiveness to others.

The commandment issued by Christ to forgive unconditionally is one of the strongest worded commandments in all of scripture:

For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.14†

The presence of Christ comes to us when we keep His word15 and in this regard, His word is a command to forgive without reservation. When we keep His word He abides in us.16 The experiential Christian life begins with obedience to His commandments, and the foundation of these commandments is a life of continual forgiveness and an absence of any condemnation of others. Such a life is immensely freeing.

The command to forgive is blanket. It contains no exceptions, no time limit and no limit to the number of times we are to forgive.17 Scripture teaches that unforgiveness is never justified. Conversely, the failure to forgive is always sinful and will always damage the love of the person who fails to forgive; and impede his relationship with Christ. Love is acceptance. Unforgiveness is rejection. One cannot accept and reject at the same time. Unforgiveness is a sin against love because it is rejection and rejection is the opposite of love.

Unforgiveness creates the root of bitterness18 and the root of bitterness is legendary poison. Thus, the passage that demands unconditional forgiveness19 is intended to free the injured party from the effect of the resentment that naturally follows an injury. And it is intended to deny the perpetrator a forum for his own justification and to expose him to conviction by the Holy Spirit.20 Perpetrators justify what they do as a matter of course, and as long as the injured party fails to close the issue with forgiveness, the matter is perpetuated and the perpetrator continues to have a forum to defend and justify his actions. Otherwise, he must face it himself.

So, when we refuse to take up the offense proffered by an insult or injury, we deny the offender the opportunity to justify his offense through a dispute. When we leave the offense on the table, we are choosing to move over and make room for the Holy Spirit to convict the offender of his sin21 rather than taking on the job of the Holy Spirit ourselves.

Never permit one thimbleful of the poison of resentment to pollute the crystal waters of God’s agápe. Free yourself. True forgiveness is true victory. True forgiveness is true freedom.22 Christ was referring to all sin, including the sin of unforgiveness, when He said, “If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.”23

Forgiveness is the love language of God. Forgiveness is acceptance and therefore the core of First Corinthians 13. Forgiveness is the most powerful and magnificent expression of God’s agápe. Indeed, forgiveness is an expression of agápe and God is agápe, so forgiveness is an expression of the presence of God.

The apex of forgiveness occurred at the cross, when Jesus Christ paid for the sins of the entire world24 and then offered it for free to anyone who wants it to accept it.25 God gives the strength to forgive but we must make the first move.

It is the weaker brother, who must show that he is right. It is the weaker brother who must end a marriage and destroy a family because of unforgiveness. Strength is not winning a dispute. Strength is not needing to win.

Sadly, the internal conflict caused by the original offense, the missing justice and the emotional fire that burns following a decision not to respond in kind are often reason enough not to forgive and move over to let Him act.

We fill in His space with the world’s “justice” and with our conditional human love. We read the scriptures and then we circumvent them with exceptions. We yield to the scriptures that please us, ignore the others and decorate the pleasant ones with scrolls and butterflies and put them on our walls. And like the hypocrites trumpeting their alms in the temple, we have our reward.

But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.26†

Forgive. Never cease to forgive.

The Sin of Criticism

The Greek word for criticism is κρίνω (krino). When applied to the judgment that people customarily pass on the lives and actions of others, the word means to judge, to pass judgment upon, to express an opinion about, to criticize or find fault with.27 To judge means to criticize.

Christ’s command against criticism is straightforward and crystal clear:

Do not judge [criticize] so that you will not be judged [criticized]. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you…28†

He goes on to clarify that His admonition not to criticize is not limited to sharp words but can include well-intended words as well:

And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?29

Christ is telling us plainly “Do not judge.” Do not be critical or condemnatory because we will be judged “with the same standard of measure” that we use to measure others.

The word “criticize” or “judge” is not the same as the word “condemn.” So, when Matthew 7:1 commands us not to judge, it is not saying “do not condemn,” it is saying “do not even judge others, even if your judgment is not condemnatory.” In Luke 6:37 we find both words used. The command is not to judge and not to condemn:

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be
forgiven.30

These passages prohibit the relational sin of criticism. However, there is a line between judging a sin committed by a person and judging the person who committed the sin. Scripture is not telling us to close our eyes to sin. It is not telling us to pretend that sin does not exist or pretend that someone is not committing it. We are to recognize sin for what it is, but we are not to judge the person who committed the sin. We are simply not to conclude that he is a “bad” person for any reason. We are to recognize and to judge a sinful act, but we are not to judge the sinner. Depending on what the sin is and the circumstances, we may well conclude that this person’s company is deleterious or even dangerous and therefore we may choose to avoid him. This is scriptural. Anyone is free to-and should-draw the boundary where it is most comfortable. But we are forbidden to condemn him or see him as of lesser value because of his sin. We are to let it pass.

Everyone has his own cross to bear; and these scriptures are telling us not to criticize others for how they bear it.

This means we are not to take offense. To take offense is to harbor critical and condemnatory thoughts or to hold a grudge. Certainly, when we receive an injury it hurts. We have no choice but to feel emotional pain. But when it comes to taking up an offense, we certainly do have a choice. Scripture tells us that the correct choice is always “No.” And, indeed, taking up offense does not alleviate emotional pain.

It is as if two people were sitting across from each other at a table. Both of them know that throwing offenses at one another across the table is sin, but one of them does it anyway. The offense strikes the other person and injures her and then lands back on the table. Now it is the injured person’s turn. She can either pick up the offense and throw it back or hold it for later, or she can leave the offense on the table. Scripture tells us to leave it on the table because throwing offenses is sin and it doesn’t matter if they are deserved or not.

God extends the same acceptance or rejection in this life that we extend to others.31† So, the person who threw the offense began to alienate himself from God because God will deal with him in the same way that he deals with others. He that is unaccepting and condemnatory of others will be judged in the same way by the Holy Spirit in this life. This being the case, the offended party now has an opportunity to either enhance his relationship with God or diminish it, depending on whether he takes up the offense or leaves it on the table.

Matthew 7:2 says, “If you want God to be distant, then criticize others, because He will be just as accepting of you as you are of the people you criticize. But if you want God to be close to you, then leave the offense on the table and refuse to criticize, even in your thoughts, and God will deal with you with the same liberality. God will use your standard in how He relates to you. So, the greater you are offended, the greater is your opportunity to establish a lenient, accepting relationship with Christ. The larger the offense is, the larger the opportunity is to establish a closer relationship with the Creator.

And herein lies the great irony that we find throughout scripture. The greatest tragedies are turned into the greatest blessings. He makes beauty from ashes and righteousness from sin.32 It all depends on what we do with pain, whether we rebel or whether we yield. The greater the harm suffered, the greater the benefit becomes when we place it in His hands. God is in the business of taking rubble and turning it into gold-and giving us the opportunity to be a part of it.

On the other hand, both scripture and common sense dictate that even though we are not to judge, we should avoid anyone who would cause us ill.33 For instance, we should decline relationships that yoke us with those who do not know Christ.34 The command not to criticize or condemn does not mean that we should create or pursue any unwise or unscriptural relationship. All it means is that we are not to criticize.

Like the command to always forgive, Matthew 7:1 is all inclusive. It contains no limiting factor such as “don’t be hasty in your judgment” or “be sure that your criticism is justified” or “It’s OK to think that way because you’re right.” Instead, the prohibition is a blanket prohibition: “Judge [criticize] not.” This is a prohibition against any judgment or criticism of a person, and it makes no difference whether the judgment or criticism is accurate or inaccurate, true or false, justified or unjustified. Whether the criticism is deserved or undeserved makes no difference.35 Nor does it matter if the criticism is not expressed. Criticism does not have to be verbalized to be real.

One reason why Christ commands us not to criticize the person of others is because criticism assaults the love of the person criticizes because it is a relational sin. It is a piece of rejection of the person criticized. Before we speak, we should ask ourselves, “Is it critical?” Or better still “Will it be understood as being critical?”

Harboring critical thoughts (a critical spirit) because of what someone did is just as much a sin as whatever it was he did to cause us to criticize.36 Harboring the resentments that normally arise from criticism is holding a grudge. Just because we say nothing after taking up an offense does not mean that we are not committing a silent relational sin. This sin is the root of bitterness.37 Christ is telling us that we are never to permit a root of bitterness to start growing. Christ is telling us to leave it on the table.

The Twin Sins in the Marriage Circle

The scriptural marriage is like a circle filled with all four loves, as well as fidelity. It is intended to be a place of rest and complete acceptance. There should be no questions lingering within the marriage circle and no grudges and no unforgiveness. There should be only trust and love. When we place criticism, condemnation or unforgiveness into the circle, we adulterate the love. It is like pouring sewer water into a well.

The two who live within the circle are one person, not two. They are one.38 Neither the husband or the wife is better or lesser than the other. They are of equal (and infinite) worth and equal importance but God has made them differently and given each one a different role with different responsibilities. Rank or importance does not exist within the circle. There is no rank in the circle of marriage, nor is there any difference in importance or value; the only difference is the difference in function, a difference in role.

The circle of marriage is different from the circle of friendship, because when criticism or unforgiveness enters the circle of friendship, the offended friend is free to redraw his circle and to limit or end the relationship. But in a biblical marriage, the circle is drawn by scripture and it cannot be redrawn by the parties or it will no longer be a scriptural marriage. So, when either of the parties places criticism or unforgiveness in the circle, it cannot be removed by changing the circle’s diameter. It can be removed only by the party who introduced it-and it will remain in the circle as long as it is remembered by either of the spouses. It is dirty water poured into clean.

Christ commands both parties to treasure the agápe (unconditional love and acceptance) that is in the marriage circle39 and to keep it unpolluted with relational sin. If both parties obey, then each party will be unconditionally accepted and love will flow. If both parties do not obey, then each party will not be unconditionally accepted and love will not flow. But both parties must drink from the same well, whether it be dirty or clean. The pollution by one affects the water drunk by both.

The sin of pouring ends but the dirty water (criticism and unforgiveness) remain. They remain there long after the original sin that engendered them has ended because resentment continues until it is dies a natural death or is killed by the person who holds it. Therefore, the effects of the injury go far beyond the injury itself and the sins of unforgiveness and criticism can be more destructive than the original offense.

Like a tiger stalking a wounded antelope, Satan stalks the wounded Christian. He ignores the original offense because the offender will eventually learn his lesson, but Satan smells blood in the unforgiving heart, the heart that remembers. It is that heart, the offended heart, the easy prey, that Satan kills first.

The mechanics of how these sins destroy families is expressed in various ways. But perhaps the most prevalent method of destruction is the Coin Game.